The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives Finale Recap: Starting New

The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives
The Book of Enlightenment
Season 3 Episode 10
Editor’s Rating ★★★
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Finally, we made it. I have never been more excited for a season of reality television to end so we can start with a slate cleaner than all the moms’ unadorned Utah McMansions. Throughout this season, I kept finding myself doing a thought exercise. In between Googling the latest beverage innovations Swig has on offer, I would imagine what life would be like for all MomTok members, past, present, and future, if the men in their lives went “poof.” Kind of like The Leftovers, but a sleazeball-only edition. What’s happening in that alternate universe? What would the women be fighting about if they were free of Marciano, Jordan, Dakota, and their ilk? It sounds so peaceful. Or at least considerably less bleak than this “check out the tendrils of patriarchy festering their way through every aspect of our lives” current situation.

Anyway, in Provo, we’re still on the couch with Taylor and Liann. The mystery woman did more verbal stumbling, and then oopsie, had to run to an important appointment. Taylor’s frustrated about how Dakota makes it feel like all of this is her fault, and her dad has the audacity to say “that’s what narcissists do.” As if this man was not another voice in the “it is Taylor’s fault” choir last season! Beam him outta here!

Alas, the women have important things to do — like begin coalition building for their annual retreat. This year, they will be jetting off to what appears to be the lobby of a luxury apartment building in the greater Provo area. The impetus for this is definitely not Whitney and Demi realizing the only way they can continue to get paid is by having other cast members who will shoot with them. No sirree! It is about talking things out and putting all the bad stuff to rest. And sisterhood. 

At the grand opening of JZ Academy, Jessi’s hair school, Whitney floats the retreat idea to the other members of MomTok, mostly to see if they’d be down to hear Demi out. Jen is not particularly enthused, Mayci is suspicious of Demi’s motivations, and Taylor is skeptical about anyone taking real accountability. But given the state of affairs (and likely the details of their contracts), everyone will be in attendance. 

Mayci and Whitney meet up at Swig to establish an agenda for the meetup. They will serve as interim retreat leaders, as the official MomTok CEO, Taylor, has a lot on her plate. Whitney suggests they run it like an LDS testimony meeting, which sounds a lot like an AA meeting or any other assembly where only one person speaks at a time, sans interruption. Mayci is hesitant because the other girls doubt how genuine Demi is given how good she is at “digging herself out of holes.” Whitney emphasizes the importance of listening and how everyone will have the opportunity to speak their truth. 

A truth I do not like — but a truth nonetheless — is that Jordan is moving back in with Jessi. (Separately, do we think Jessi reverting back to her maiden name in her social bios is a stunt or a divorce teaser?) Jordan sits there in his ugly ass UTAH DADTOK flatbrim and talks about how badly he wants to make it work and how in 90 days he has faced all the past traumas he needed to face. I am dubious that such swift inner work is possible. Jessi talks about how much she’s also grown in therapy and how she’s now better prepared to face Demi in this full-group sit-down.

And the sit down begins without a hitch. Before everyone arrives, Demi pulls Taylor aside and showers her with apologies. For being harsh. For kicking Taylor while she was down. For being rude to Liann. Demi says she has a “betrayal wound” and also that her brother was born with Down syndrome so she has “glass child syndrome,” which is where she learned she couldn’t take up space. Taylor appreciates her saying all that and they hug it out. A note to any future Bachelorette suitors: all you have to do is give a sprawling but remotely coherent apology and Taylor will move on from almost anything.

Once attendance has been taken, Mayci and Whitney walk through the agenda. The goal is to take steps toward improving the MomTok brand. The first round will be about helping everyone speak their truth. Each mom gets a glow stick, and once they’ve spoken their full truth, they will snap that stick and let their light shine bright. I assumed this would be a time for receipts and reveals. It is not. Instead, everyone gets teary-eyed and gives heartfelt apologies for things like “projecting” (Mikayla), “playing the victim” (Jen), “being selfish” (Whitney), and “acting out of anger” (Demi). 

The second round works a bit differently. This time, everyone remains on the couch and passes around a doll named Eve as a permission-to-speak totem. There are no receipts nor surprise reveals here either. Demi says Marciano came on to her very strongly, saying it was love at first sight. She says they never kissed and she never even said he was cute. She maintains that Marciano did sexually assault her. 

The resulting swirl continues exactly as it has been, with the other women insisting they don’t not believe her but certain things are confusing to them: the “placating” texts, the Facetimes, the sending of audiovisual content of her daughter praying, etc. Demi responds to each thing in turn, but in a way that doesn’t seem to clear up any confusion. Whitney is the voice of reason and basically says, “We may never know the nitty gritty nor understand why people do what they do.” THANK GOD. LET IT BE DONE. I need everyone in this room to stand in a circle and say the Serenity Prayer, and if they really don’t fuck with Demi, find some other way to make that known that does not involve a greasy man wearing a literal MAIN CHARACTER hat. Anyway, they all hug it out.

From there, things are mostly copacetic. The entire cast goes to Taylor’s parents’ house for Ever True’s baby blessing, which technically had to pivot to a “blessing of comfort” (and whatever other blessing Taylor’s dad deems appropriate). This all happens because Dakota is on strike post-silhouette scandal and if you thought a mother could bless her own baby per the rules of the Mormon church … have you been paying attention at all? Demi and Bret show up and no one argues. Although Jessi and Jen plant seeds in their confessionals for future beef with Demi. Season four is going to need a plot, and I pray it is 100 percent free of all men in and around the Lisa Vanderpump extended universe. 

After the blessing, Taylor sits down with Chase. What I thought would be a polite and professional apology is quickly established as a date. He’s newly single and asks if they should kiss for old time’s sake. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. If anyone knows when season four filmed (or is filming), please inform me immediately. If they somehow squeezed it in pre-Bachelorette, there is a strong chance we will be in for 10 episodes of podcast man. If this guy wants to date Taylor, he needs to put on a suit and squeeze his tuchus into a limo with all the other bozos. On the plus side, Dakota is still on strike. May he stay there in perpetuity!