Lena Dunham’s ‘Too Much’ Asks: Is There Anything More Romantic Than Pointing Out Someone’s Flaws?

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There’s something about a declaration of love in a romantic comedy that just works. It’s why lines from movies like Jerry Maguire—“You had me at hello”—and Notting Hill—“I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her”—have become part of the lexicon. But recently, there’s been a shift in the romantic language and the dreamy “I love you most ardently” has become a more realistic “You’re kind of annoying, but I’ll take it!” And I, for one, can’t stand it.

This trend has reached a new peak in Too Much, Lena Dunham’s new Netflix series. The Girls meets Notting Hill rom-com series is about a woman, Jessica (Megan Stalter), who moves from NYC to London after drunkenly breaking into her ex’s apartment in the middle of the night to yell at him and his new girlfriend. Her first night abroad, she meets Felix (Will Sharpe), a vaguely emo indie musician who isn’t afraid of her dramatics. It's as funny and relatable and unrelentingly awkward as you want it to be, and yet, there's one key moment in the show that I just can't get behind.

It comes midway through the series, and it's a big moment. Felix tells Jessica she’s “too much” during a fight, and when she confronts him, offended, he explains, “It’s not an insult, I mean like, you know, ‘You’re too much,’ like it’s a good thing. Like just the right amount and then like a little bit more.”

The scene is played like a romantic climax in a rom-com. It even ends with the two making out passionately on the street as the camera rotates around them, à la Never Been Kissed. And while I fully admit that “Just the right amount and then a little bit more” is absolutely swoon-worthy, could it also be…kind of an insult? It’s played as if a man telling a woman she’s “too much” is the most romantic thing in the world. But is it really? Or is it just a critique disguised as love?

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There's a similar kind of backhanded romantic declaration in Nobody Wants This, a show about a gentile sex podcaster, Joanne (Kristen Bell), who falls for a rabbi. In episode 6, after Joanne starts to get the ick, Noah reels her back in by saying, “You can self sabotage all you want, but I think you should get over it because, Joanne, I’m on your side. I can handle you.” That line—“I can handle you”—became one of the most iconic moments of the series, and I have no doubt that Too Much’s “Just the right amount and then a little bit more” will have a similar effect.

I've noticed the “I like you in spite (or because?) of your flaws” sentiment recently on reality TV, too. On Love Island USA, fans watched as Amaya Espinal kept being told by men she would couple up with that she was too affectionate too quickly and too emotional. It wasn’t until Bryan Arenales validated her and said that “the cons they see are pros to me” that she finally made a match. The fans ate it up, and, as of right now, Amaya and Bryan are one of the most beloved couples of the season.

Kim Nunneley/Peacock via Getty Images

For the record: I get why romance has shifted away from fanciful tropes of unconditional love that can quickly turn toxic—like Love Actually’s idealization-turned-stalking “To me you are perfect” scene. In the real world, love isn’t about finding perfection, it’s about embracing people as they are—about seeing all the arguably “too much” parts of someone and wanting more. And, as someone who talks too loudly, argues too much, overshares, and identifies with Too Much's Jessica, I can see why Felix's “you're too much” speech will be soothing and affirming to women everywhere.

This sentiment 100% works when Will Sharpe delivers them in the show, but in less charming hands, they’d be pretty cruel. It could come off as a backhanded compliment or even negging, especially because it’s never really clear what, exactly, makes a woman “too much.”

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Is it when she makes an inappropriate joke? Wears icy blue eye shadow when everyone else is in neutrals? Judges a man too harshly? Is passive aggressive when cornered? Talks openly about her period in public? Falls in love too hard, too fast? If the answer is “all of the above,” then I hate to break it to you, but it sounds like women become “too much” simply by existing. And why should I be swooning over a man telling a woman that he is willing to “handle” her basic existence?

Maybe I'm being too dramatic, but I don't think we need to live in a world where the height of on-screen romance is a man reciting a list of a woman's perceived flaws. In my romantic fantasies, I don’t want to be tolerated, I want to be adored.

So, though I am loving Too Much for it's unashamed embrace of a protagonist whose biggest flaw isn't that she's not a super model and it's quirky love story, I’m still just a girl, standing in front of modern romantic tv shows, asking them to find a way to give us realistic, messy characters worthy of love, without constantly calling out their flaws. And if that's too much to ask? Well, I guess you'll just have to take it.