Bypassing Trauma in Donor-Conceived People

The power of early disclosure and donor family connections to reduce trauma.

Reviewed by Davia Sills

Key points

• Trauma can arise from various factors associated with DCP's unique conception story and family dynamics.
• Secrecy within the family (thinly veiled as privacy) can contribute to feelings of shame, stigma, or trauma.
• It's essential to recognize and validate the unique challenges faced from non-disclosure and late discovery.
• Addressing trauma in donor-conceived individuals often requires a multifaceted approach.

Creating families via donated sperm, eggs, or embryos has allowed many people to realize their dreams of parenthood. It can, however, bring about complex emotional and psychological challenges for the offspring.

Donor-conceived people (DCP) can encounter challenging situations, such as navigating the complexities of late disclosure, not knowing half of their DNA origins, finding out they have dozens or hundreds of siblings, searching for genetic connections, and redefining family structures. These experiences can lead to anger, shock, sadness, confusion, loss, and a sense of disconnect from their roots. Some have described this as trauma.

SAMHSA¹ defines trauma as “an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or psychologically harmful or life-threatening and that has lasting adverse effects on the individual’s functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being.” ¹

Building a family foundation based on truth and trust with early disclosure, including honoring and normalizing curiosity and connections with genetic donor relatives, can help to bypass the experience of trauma in DCP and leave space for happy, healthy, and thriving families.

Understanding trauma in donor-conceived people

Can you imagine living your entire life basically a lie about who your father was? I always knew something wasn’t right. I am not going to blame my parents because they were told by the doctors never to tell; however, I still feel it was best to be honest. It would have truly shaped me in a different way. They are now saying to tell your children as early as possible because of the psychological effects. Was it traumatic? You bet! Imagine looking in the mirror and trying to figure out who you are again. I was angry, hurt, traumatized, broken, lost, and it was a long grieving and healing process. Do I still believe my parents loved me? Absolutely. Did I still believe my parents believed they were doing the best for me? Yes, absolutely. However, this was not an easy walk.²

DCP who discover their conception story later in life, often through DNA testing, may experience significant emotional distress. This unexpected revelation can disrupt their sense of identity, leading to an experience of shock, betrayal, confusion, and anger towards the parents who lied by omission. A lack of understanding or support from family members can further exacerbate this traumatic experience.

How they respond to the facts of their donor origins depends not only on when disclosure happens but also on how they’re told and how much parental support they receive afterward.

It can create cracks in a family’s foundation and relationships and be a source of distress or trauma in DCP if parents:

• Don’t want to talk about it
• Don’t acknowledge the DCP’s desire to know their biological relatives, ancestry, and family medical history
• Dismiss or negate any upset or negative feelings the DCP has
• Don’t acknowledge that family counseling may be needed
• Generally, just tune out

Even when they’ve known all along about their donor origin, not knowing who their close relatives are may be difficult for DCP. They may search for their biological parent’s face in every man they meet or wonder if a schoolmate might be their half-sibling. Dating might have an extra level of anxiety.

Early disclosure

Early disclosure, ideally before the child is verbal, can significantly reduce the risk of trauma associated with donor conception. Children can integrate this information into their developing identity more seamlessly when the truth has always been known, and it allows for open and honest conversations about their genetic heritage and potential connections with donor relatives.

If disclosing to older children, teens, and adults, they should not be left to process this new information independently. They need to know that any feelings they might have are to be expected and will be fully honored and acknowledged. If DCP fear expressing their true feelings because they’re afraid of hurting or upsetting their parents, that could create a harmful disconnect in the parent-child relationship and cause a traumatic and confusing internal experience.

Parents can:

• Model conversations. Parents can model open sharing with friends, family, teachers, doctors, etc., so that their children feel comfortable understanding and sharing their stories with others, establishing confidence in their origin story.
• Foster open communication. Creating a safe and supportive environment for open communication is essential in preventing trauma. Parents should actively listen to their children’s concerns, acknowledge their feelings, and avoid dismissing or minimizing their experiences.
• Inquire and be receptive. DCP need to know that their parents care about what is happening in their lives, including issues surrounding their experience of being donor-conceived. Parents can be active listeners, even if they feel uncomfortable with the conversation and their own related feelings.
• Keep the conversation going. If disclosure occurs early but is never brought up again, DCP can feel a sense of secrecy surrounding their genetic origins, which can contribute to feelings of shame or stigma. There is no need to talk about the donor or half-siblings daily or weekly, but parents can periodically refer to the child’s genetic origins to let them know that it is always a welcomed conversation.

I am 13 years old. I found out about a month ago now that my dad wasn't my real biological dad. I was shocked at first, but then the next day I was excited to tell my friends the news and curious about the donor and what he looked like. I know that my dad is my real dad and will always be, but I still wanted to do some research about the donor. That night, I sat on the couch with my family, and we all went through the packet about the donor (heritage, looks, health, etc.).²

Curiosity and connections

While DNA isn’t the only way to create or define a family, it is one way. Even if parents don’t view donor relatives as “family,” their children very well might.

Parents can facilitate early connections by acknowledging and supporting their child’s desire to learn more about their biological relatives, ancestry, and family medical history. Searching for and reaching out to a child’s donor relatives as a collaborative family effort allows DCP to normalize the process early on, and supporting a child’s natural curiosity about their genetic origins can help them develop a healthy sense of self. It’s important to understand that this journey can be an emotional roller-coaster, as people have different comfort levels and speeds with which they approach donor-family relationships.

Addressing trauma

Even with early disclosure and open communication, some individuals still experience trauma related to their donor conception, manifesting as various psychological symptoms, such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, or difficulties forming and maintaining relationships. A 2021 study found that more than 29 percent of offspring answered “yes” when asked, “Have you ever sought professional support or counseling regarding your donor conception origins?” ³

Individuals may also grapple with existential questions about their place in the world and sense of belonging. Additionally, DCP can feel traumatized if they perceive rejection by biological parents or half-siblings, so understanding why donor relatives may not respond to attempts for contact is crucial.

Seeking support

A robust support system can play a crucial role in avoiding or healing trauma and helping individuals navigate the emotional challenges associated with being donor-conceived. Family members, friends, mental health professionals, and support groups can provide understanding, empathy, practical assistance, and valuable tools for coping with emotional challenges and building resilience.

Building a family on a foundation of honesty, transparency, inclusivity, and openness can create a healthy and nurturing environment for all DCPs, allowing them to thrive, embrace their unique identities, and define their donor-family relationships.