Why I stopped saying no to my toddler

When lockdown hit, mum Kelly Medina Enos, found herself struggling to deal with her six-month-old son's behaviour.

"He was starting to hit me and have real outbursts," she says. "I felt very lost before coming across the idea of gentle parenting on TikTok".

Unlike traditional parenting where adults set rules with clear consequences when children don't follow them, gentle parenting encourages adults to acknowledge their child's feelings calmly and gently.

Instead of using negative words like "no" or "don't", the child is offered choices.

It's treating children the way you wish adults had treated you when you were young, explains Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who writes about the psychology and science of parenting.

"Gentle parenting doesn't mean giving your child all of the chocolate and ice cream in the shop," she says.

"It's focused on treating children with respect and kindness and not punishing them in ways that make them feel excessively bad."

Kelly looked into it and decided to try it.

"I didn't know that there were any other ways of parenting a child other than authoritarian, but I loved it and it really sat with everything I wanted to do," she says.

Although gentle parenting looked natural and easy online, Kelly says in real life it was anything but.

"I was thinking about everything I was saying and second guessing it. Motherhood became another level of exhaustion," she says.

One of the biggest changes Kelly made was adapting the language she used with her toddler to tell him what to do rather than what not to do.

"'No', 'stop' and 'don't' are words that just go in one ear and out the other," she says.

Kelly used phrases like "mummy's going to help you get down" instead of telling her son not to jump down.

Her son doesn't always listen and sometimes acts out but Kelly says she then just reminds herself that "your child is doing something very normal and typical".

She has also introduced the idea of "gentle hands" - teaching toddlers to be mindful when physical but Kelly admits it's not always easy to stick to.

Slipping up is normal

"I still find myself slipping up, shouting at my child."

Although it's difficult to always gentle parent, Kelly is confident that this is the best method of parenting and she says it shows in her children's behaviour.

During a recent fallout, her youngest walked into the room, gave her brother space, and then told him "he'll be alright" before giving him a hug, she says.

There is little scientific research into the impact of gentle parenting, and Professor Eamonn McCrory, a neuroscientist at UCL, says there's no evidence that other ways of parenting are better or worse.

It's only when shouting or telling off tips into verbal abuse that it becomes a problem.

"That's not the same as occasionally losing your temper with your child or saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment. It's something that is sustained over time," he says.

Writer and child mental health practitioner, Nina Lyon says she worries about the demands gentle parenting puts on parents, especially when used in an extreme manner.

Seeing social media posts saying "you must never say no to your child. You must never shout at your child. You have to be endlessly available for your child. There is an implied threat that if you don't, your child is going to be harmed for life," Nina says.

She believes it's still really important to say no: "Saying no is how we communicate boundaries, how we communicate that things aren't okay."

Ultimately, she says, as long as there is lots of "warmth and sensible boundaries" it doesn't matter what parenting style you choose.

Gentle parenting has become a contentious topic, but Kelly believes much of this stems from misunderstanding.

"Parents think I'm going to have this child that's running around left, right and centre and just doesn't care about authority, has little to no respect for other people and that's just not the case," she says.

Sarah agrees, saying it doesn't mean letting kids do whatever they want.

"Children need discipline," says Sarah. "You just have to discipline in a way that's mindful of how their brain is developing, what they can understand and realising, ultimately, the best way to raise a child who is respectful, calm, kind is to first be that way yourself."