'I watched 18 Champions League games, 63 goals and the one and only Ally McCoist'
The Champions League's new format showcased its grand ending to the league phase on Wednesday night, and there was only one way to watch the action unfold
by Mark Jones · The Mirror“Are you sitting comfortably? Then we’ll begin.”
You know Matt Smith. He’s been a familiar face on our sporting screens for a fair while now. His Wikipedia page says he’ll be 58 in April, even though he doesn’t look it. But while he opens TNT Sports’ Champions League Goals Show Extra programme in a typically assured style even he, even as Steady an Eddie as Smith, hasn’t ever done anything like this before.
It’s Matchday 8 of the Champions League, and the first in a yearly series of this sort of thing if this current, refreshing new format is to catch on.
Because this - 18 almost completely connected games all kicking off at the same time, non-stop wall to wall action, maybe even added time multi-ball if needed - is what UEFA want. It’s their way to stave off the grim threat of the European Super League and you know what? It’s fun. It’s different.
You don’t always have to fear change in football, and one man who certainly doesn’t is Ally McCoist. Everyone’s favourite co-commentary uncle is in place for a rare non-stadium appearance alongside Smith, Karen Carney and journalist James Horncastle for this assault on the footballing senses, and ultimately we’re going to be glad he’s here.
Because while it is carnage from the second we begin, it is carnage voiced over by Ally McCoist, and that makes carnage better. “What a chance!” screams Ally over an apparent opportunity for Benfica’s Vangelis Pavlidis just a few seconds into his side’s match at Juventus, not that we can see it yet. The tone for the night begins.
Goals Shows are nothing new of course, but they haven’t ever been done on this scale before, and they’ve never been done with Ally in tow.
And so those goals fly in, and the reactions come with them. Morgan Rogers gets his first at Villa Park, Inter Milan get a penalty at home to Monaco which we watch Lautaro Martinez score live as Horncastle purrs, then Rogers scores again and Ally tries his best not to laugh at Celtic, then there’s one for Lille and another for Atletico Madrid.
Smith is making his way through describing all these goals with typical professionalism, and for a while it is just goal after goal, until there’s finally a brief lull after Thomas Muller scores for Bayern Munich and Ally and Carney get to wax lyrical about the veteran German’s qualities, an exchange which is followed by Lamine Yamal flashing a shot wide in Barcelona. “That boy’s got a chance!” laughs Ally.
This is, of course, the perfect way to digest this night if you’re looking for snackable content, but the first sign that you might be missing the real story comes with a shot of Kevin De Bruyne and Phil Foden looking incredibly angry at the Etihad. Manchester City need to beat Club Brugge to avoid an embarrassingly early exit, and after half an hour they aren’t.
You don’t get that jeopardy and sense of occasion when you watch your football via the medium of just the good bits, but you do get the joy of it, and so we go on.
Ally gets confused when he sees a replay of an Aston Villa goal and thinks it is live, then insists he’s just seen John McGinn’s sister in the crowd. The Rangers legend is then dumbstruck when Celtic’s Adam Idah scores twice, but makes sure to thoroughly praise his technique in doing so.
One of the problems with this format is of course that there is a lot to keep up with, and those dutifully attempting to do so at TNT Sports HQ begin to show the strain close to half-time. Atalanta are shown taking the lead at Barcelona but the goal is disallowed by VAR and we’re never quite told about that, while a graphic shows that the half-time score is PSV Eindhoven 2 Liverpool 2 just as the Dutch side are scoring their third goal in the sixth minute of added time in the first half.
These are minor quibbles though, and the real drama is elsewhere, or rather in the reactions to what occurs elsewhere. “Oh my God Brugge have scored!” shouts Carney just before the break, and we’re not bothered that she’s ruined the surprise for us because it sounds great. “There’s blood in the water at the Etihad and the opposition sharks sense it,” says Horncastle, potentially after a rehearsal.
After Smith gets a short breather the drama continues into the second half with City’s comeback dominating, while Ally laments Brest’s disallowed goal against Real Madrid. Because this is TNT Sports we then have to cross to Rio Ferdinand at the Etihad who says some things before we’re back enjoying the pundits enjoying the still impossibly cool Fabio Cannavaro stalking the touchline as his Dinamo Zagreb side lead AC Milan.
With City now sure of a playoff, Villa ahead, and Liverpool and Arsenal’s games fairly meaningless the second halves do lack drama, but we get to enjoy Ally riffing on Ollie Watkins’ pain after his comic penalty miss - “As if it can’t get much worse for him, he’s given away a free-kick!” - and then a lovely solid two minutes of analysis of Red Star Belgrade midfielder Guelor Kanga’s stunning goal from distance in the entirely meaningless match at Young Boys.
While the night winds down the hope remains that we’ll get to ‘Ally’s Tally’, McCoist’s pre-matches prediction that there will be 68 goals across the night, but as Raheem Sterling misses a penalty in Girona and Liverpool’s young Amara Nallo is sent off at PSV that hope subsides.
We end on 63, but also on the panel cooing over wholesome shots of Club Brugge and Aston Villa players crowding around phones watching the final results coming in, results which confirm playoff and last 16 places respectively. At least that looked like what they were doing, they might well have been watching Ally.
“It’s been sensational!” is his final word on the matter. And as a night’s entertainment, it was.
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