BOFH: What physics defines as impossible, sales calls a challenge
The Boss imagineers a new laptop spec with help from AI
by Simon Travaglia · The RegisterEpisode 5 The Boss wants a new laptop – believing that you should equip yourself for the job you want, not the job you have. Apparently, he wants to be a physicist for NASA who operates his computer by mind control from the Fortress of Solitude.
Or something like that.
It's likely he's asked AI to create a spec for a magical laptop that can defy the very laws of the universe governing screen size versus weight, portability, rampant horsepower, and battery life. It's a machine that would be simple to use but could also conceivably boot into Windows, Linux, macOS, and a yet-to-be-discovered superior operating system from a cosmic dimension we've not yet made contact with.
The keyboard needs to be tiny – because of the form factor – but also somehow full sized, with a numeric keypad. I've looked up Protyon cores on eBay, just in case someone's selling TARDIS spares to make this thing a possibility, but so far no joy.
AI, with its desperate need to always supply an answer regardless of how stupid the question, has said that all the Boss's dreams are possible with just a few small compromises, so now the Boss wants us to bring the imaginary to life.
"Can't be done," I say, when he tells us.
"AI says it can."
"And AI said that you can lose weight by eating rocks," the PFY counters.
"To be fair, you can lose weight by eating rocks."
"Or eating cardboard," the PFY jibes. "But eating week-old chicken that's been left on the fridge condenser is far quicker than both of those."
"But I just want a machine that's future-proof," he whines.
"There's no such machine," I say. "I remember back in the day when we'd buy servers that they told us we could upgrade the CPUs on – as and when new CPUs came out – only you were still using the same crappy old memory, and so a processor boost only gave you maybe 10 percent. And that's IF the old memory didn't suddenly have some compatibility issue. Then we had the machines you could buy with a single processor but which had another slot for an extra processor at some point in the future when you could afford it. By the time you got round to affording the second processor, it would have been discontinued, so the only way to get the second processor was to buy a secondhand machine, which was configured with the same single processor and had been replaced because the second processor was (a) expensive and (b) discontinued."
"Yes, well, I can see..."
"So you'd buy the secondhand machine with the single processor, then find out that the BASTARDS had made the primary CPU board ever so slightly different to the secondary CPU board, just so you can't put a #1 processor into the #2 position."
"Not that you're bitter," the PFY points out.
"I'm not so much bitter as deeply cynical," I say.
"But that wouldn't be the situation in my case," the Boss says. "I just need a new laptop."
"And have you talked to any vendors about the spec you got?"
"I... spoke to one."
"And don't tell me, they sent you links to machines that don't really match what you asked for?"
"I got some links, but I'm not entirely sure how well they match – which is why I'm checking with you before they arrive."
"Trust me, the spec you're asking for doesn't exist. If it did, it would have been crafted by the Matrix 20 years from now – and you'd only be seeing one if the Terminator robot needed to phone home to see what color brick to beat you to death with."
"I..."
"Did you say 'before they arrive'?" the PFY asks.
"Yes, they said they'd stop in to talk me through the options. Do you want to be there?"
"Oh, could we?" I ask.
...
"And as you can see, we can deliver on most of what you asked for," Salesperson 1 says.
"It weighs over 5 kg," I point out. "Hardly portable or unobtrusive."
"Yes, but that's with batteries," Salesperson 2 responds.
"So you'd supply it without batteries?"
"Batteries are an option," Salesperson 1 chips in.
"Oh, so that price didn't include batteries?"
"It could. But because of the power requirements, you'd probably want to run it from the wall adapters."
"Sorry, did you say wall adapters? Plural?" I ask.
"Well, yes, because this has bespoke power requirements, you'd need two adapters. Or three if you wanted to charge the batteries at the same time."
"Batteries? Plural?"
"Yes."
I have no idea of what sort of Frankenstein machine they're proposing, but I'm guessing the Boss will need a sack barrow and ratchet straps to make it truly parallel.
"And I notice you've configured a quad NPU in the machine?"
"Yes."
"I've not heard of one of those before."
"Yes, it's something we've been working on."
"Is it something you've actually delivered?"
"You have my word," Salesperson 2 says.
Our conversation is interrupted by the arrival of the PFY with a tasty snack for us all.
"Chicken nibble?" the PFY asks our salespeople.
"Oh, are those the ones you pulled off the fridge this morning?" I ask.
"You mean OUT of the fridge this morning."
"Sure," the PFY says. "You have my word."